My Platform

Welcome to Jack for Prez! Let me tell you a little bit about myself.

My basic platform consists of the following premises:

1. "If you can't trust me, you can't trust anyone."

All politicians lie. I lie. You lie. We all lie. That is basic human nature, and since all things are politics, we all lie. If you can't grasp this simple tenet, then perhaps you should look elsewhere for a candidate.

2. "One World Now!"

It's coming, whether we want it or not. The only question is, which side will you be on, and what shape will it take? How will you help make sure our little patch of dirt has the most influence in the world to come?

3. "I can't be worse than the other guy."

Well? Look, all the presidents of the last at least 30 years have been stooges. I can be a stooge, too! Just remember - it's not what I do in office that matters - it is what the current media remembers that does.

4. "I promise not to lie."

Why do people insist on electing officials who are known to have gone back on their word? Why can't politicians just state what they believe and stick to it? I promise I will never lie about my stand on anything, nor what I intend to do once elected. Trust me!

5. "Strippers. Lots of them."

'Nuff said.

6. "Teamwork has no eyes."

Or is that "I's"? I can never remember how to spell that. But regardless, teamwork takes dedication and a complete abdication of self. Join our side, or not - but just remember, if you join us, forever will we dominate your destiny.

Oh, and a side bar to the saying. Most of our problem countries start with an "I", notice that? Iran, Iraq, Israel, Iceland. Inorth Korea. Ifghanistan. OK, I made up the last one. I say they either get their acts together collectively (sorry Israel, I know you're the beleaguered kid on the block, but you've done your share of antagonizing lately), or they have their I's removed permanently. I will mean business when I'm prez, and I won't take no shinola from noone.

7. "There is no spoon."

Seriously, if you don't understand the quote, I will probably execute you when I;m dictat...er, president. Seriously.

A FINAL THANK YOU

Iwould like to take this time to thank my loyal supporters (both of them) for convincing me to follow this path. I truly believe I can help make a difference, and so can you. Get off your bum, and start taking part in the world around you, even if it seems hopeless. Remember, it's always darkest before it goes pitch black.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your support.